Flight Redwall Down
by Velternia
Summary: After their adventure in Disneyland, the Redwallers are stuck on a tropical island. How long can they stand being stuck together? And will they survive the randomness that the author has in store? Sequel to A Vacation Gone Horribly, Horribly wrong
1. Plane Crash! Deja Vu!

_This fanfiction is a sequel to A Vacation Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong. So, if you haven't read that yet, this story will make little to no sense. Well, it doesn't anyway, but still. Anyway, enjoy. This chapter is pretty short, but that's because it's basically the introduction._

It was strange that events in his book seemed more secure... more planned out. His real book, that is. Even when he was in danger, he knew that because it was a real book and that he was the main character, everything would turn out well.

But as Matthias was gripping the seat of the airplane, praying to whomever Redwallers pray to, he knew he didn't have that protection. Because this, he realized with alarm, was a _fanfiction_. Already the "author" killed off three characters (in unique ways, he might add), and now all of them were facing certain doom.

He glanced around at the other Redwall characters with him. They also went through the ordeal of staying at Disneyland, and so he felt some sort of kinship with them. Well, for the most part, he thought, glancing at Cluny. The only ones the author deemed necessary to the plot were here now. The rest of them- the lucky ones who were in this story but barely involved- got off at the airport.

_All I wanted to do was take my family on vacation to Hawaii!_ He screamed in his mind.

"Okay, let's stay calm," Martin the Warrior said, "We know that Elisha won't kill us all, because she's in love with Chickenhound, and if he tells her not to then she_might_ have second thoughts."

"That would work," Sela said coldly, "If he a.) actually cared and b.) wasn't being held hostage in the pilot cabin."

"You guy are all so negative," Rose said.

"What's going on?" Veil asked. He had finally woken up, after being out cold for so long.

"Let's fill him in on what just happen, shall we?" Basil grumbled, "Because otherwise the reader will get very confused."

* * *

Cue flashback_:_

_ If you are just joining us, even though this is the second story in this series, then we'll begin from the top._

_ The many Redwall characters were flying away from Disneyland, where they had escaped from the Disney characters that were trying to kill them. Actually, we just summed up the last fic in one sentence. Well then. Just as some of the characters (the less important ones) got out into Mossflower International, the door slammed shut (on Ironbeak's foot). Elisha was standing there, smiling._

_ "Chickenhound!" She exclaimed, tackling him._

_ "H-how did you get here?" Chickenhound asked, shocked._

_ "When you guys landed at the gas station, my mom was driving by it with me after rescuing me from the tree I landed in after the balloon popped," Elisha explained, "Thanks, by the way. She was telling me off- 'Staying far too long in Disneyland' this, and 'Hanging out with strange rodents' that, and for some reason screamed at me, 'How dare you elope with a fox'. Ugh. So, when you landed, she hit the breaks and started panicking. I jumped out of the car and climbed in through a window and hid in the cargo hold. That Ice lady can't keep you and me apart!"_

_ Locking the door, she kicked out Lady Amber from the pilot cabin and tied up Chickenhound in it. She then began to take the plane into the air, along with the remaining Redwallers. Basically, all of the characters who didn't really influence the story much were gone. After doing a headcount, Martin came up with the conclusion that the following characters were present: Himself (at least, he though so), Matthias, Rose, Cornflower, Basil, Gonff, Tsarmina, Badrang, Gonff, Ironbeak, Korvus Skurr, three of the five doomwytes (Martin honestly didn't care which ones), Magniz, Sela, Nightshade, Grissoul, Cluny, Swartt, Bluefen, Slagar/Chickenhound, Rollo, Lady Amber, Mattimeo, Veil, Constance (we need a badger, now don't we?), and Clogg. Anybeast left off of the list escaped the plane and could get them help from Mossflower, but it never crossed their minds to do so. _

"That's... not good," Veil said.

"We took forever to explain that to you, now who knows where Elisha is taking us!" Swartt exclaimed.

"Veil, go to the naughty corner for being passed out and making it harder for us," Bluefen scolded.

Veil hated the naughty corner. All his life growing up in Redwall, he was sent to the naughty corner. One time, Bryony forgot he was there and he had to stay in the naughty corner for two days. He had to eat leftover asparagus from supper that some Dibbuns gave him, but nobody would question Bryony's authority. So, Veil now developed a fear of both the naughty corner and asparagus.

"NOOO!" He screamed.

"Okay, we don't have time for this," Martin growled, taking charge, "We have to get control of this plain before the crazy fangirl takes us to wherever it is she's taking us. Probably her house or something. Bleh."

"I found parachutes!" Rose exclaimed, "A whole bunch of them!"

"That works," Matthias said.

"What about Slagar?" Nightshade asked, worried about her nephew. She recently had visions of her extended family- Sela was her twin sister, Groddil was her younger brother, and Fortunata and Plugg Firetail were their parents.

"We have to leave him with Elisha," Matthias said, not exactly in a sympathetic way, "Nothin' else we can do."

Sela was silent, wondering if she should care or not.

Suddenly, an alarm went off.

"SHE PRESSED THE RANDOM BUTTON!" Slagar yelled from inside the pilot cabin, "THE BUTTON THAT MAKES THE STORY VERY RANDOM!"

They all screamed. Suddenly, a bunch of rainbow pigs all wearing tuxedos appeared and formed a conga line. Then they disappeared.

"That's what the random button does," the author warned.

"Guys..." Cornflower said, looking out the window, "We're over the ocean."

"We can swim, right?" Basil asked.

"!" Tsarmina shrieked.

"Leave her behind too," Dotti suggested.

"None of us can swim well enough to go get help from land," Martin said, "There's no land for miles. And the author pushed our otter out the window."

The author smiled guiltily, remembering the previous story.

"I know!" Mattimeo said, holding up the box of citrus fruit, "Remember? Elisha thinks these fruit are her children!"

"You're a genius," Matthias said. He took the lemon and walked up to the door.

"Elisha," He said, "We have Tucker Wan Kanobi Bob captive, and if you do not open the door right now, we will throw him out he window."

There was no reply.

"We also have the orange, Flag or whatever you named it, and we're not afraid to-"

Suddenly, the intercom came on.

"I kinda... took my allergy pills... dis mornin'," They heard Elisha say sleepily, "Dey make... me sleeeeeeepy. I sleep... *yawn*... now."

Suddenly there was a crash as her head collided with the controls. The plane began to dive down at a dangerous angle.

"Guys, she fell asleep on the lever that controls the altitude!" Chickenhound yelled from inside, "And, er, I'm kinda tied in the chair. I am loosing feeling in my arms as we speak."

"This is just great," Martin growled, "We're going to crash into the ocean."

"Who said all?" Ironbeak asked. He and the other birds were already trying to get the window open. Unfortunately, Elisha had pressed a button that locked the doors and windows.

"Well, that's just wonderful," Tarul sighed, "Yeah. We're_ all _gonna die."

"You're so negative," Murig told him, "We might survive, and go off to Mossflower... somehow. We might... uh... fall into a magic portal to Oz where we will just have to click our heels together and say-"

"Murig," Frang interrupted, "You are an idiot."

"That might be the magic words!" Murig insisted. He began to click his heels together and say "Murig, you are an idiot" three times. Unfortunately, it didn't have the same effect as some other magic words would have.

"Can we please focus on getting out of this alive?" Rose asked.

"The altitude is five hundred feet and dropping," Chickenhound announced.

They all exchanged worried glances.

"Four hundred feet and dropping," Chickenhound said.

Everybeast began to panic.

"Three hundred feet and dropping," Chickenhound said.

Now, a majority of them began clicking their heels and saying either "There's no place like home" or "Murig, you are an idiot".

" On the plus side, I think Elisha is finally ready to admit we're not married," Chickenhound announced, "Two hundred feet and- AN ISLAND! WE'RE HEADED TOWARDS AN ISLAND!"

"Aaaaand?" Grissoul asked, "We'll still crash."

"Haven't you ever watched Lost? Or Flight 29 Down?" Chickenhound asked, "There's a chance we could survive!"

Just then, a sickening collision of the plane to the ground sent everybeast out cold.

_Don't you hate it when they say..._

_**TO BE CONTINUED**_


	2. Yay! New Characters to Mess With!

Things were not looking good for the little ship on the waves. A rather convenient storm was raging, crashing the ship side to side like a toy. The crew desperately tried to steer it toward the island they saw in the distance... And did so a bit too well, because it turned to far and crashed on some rocks bordering the island.

* * *

Both the plane and the ship were unlucky enough to crash on the same island... especially unlucky when they will actually meet. But that's for later.

Martin opened his eyes, which were immediately filled with sand from the beach he was laying face down on. Spitting out sand, he got to his feet and looked around. Unless the Dark Forest had a recent sandstorm, he didn't think he was dead. That was a good start.

Around his was a large expanse of sea and sand. Waves crashed against the shoreline, showing signs of the storm that brewed for thirty seconds about five minutes ago. The author seems to like to do things like that. The first thing Martin noticed was a really shiny rock. The second thing was that the plane was totally destroyed.

Half of it was sunken underneath the sand, and the tail end was ripped apart. Split in half down the middle, Martin could see the inside of the plane. Unconscious (hopefully) characters were lying either inside the plane or out on the sand.

"We seem to have the worst luck with airplanes," Rose muttered. She was sitting on the sand, staring at Martin.

"Were you watching me lie there the whole time?" Martin asked.

"Well..."

"OW!" Matthias suddenly yelped from behind. He ran around in circles, screaming and flailing his arms, with a crab's pincer locked on his tail.

"Other than Matthias, is everybeast okay?" Martin asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Rose said, "Except we can't find Cluny or Badr-"

"Close enough," Martin interrupted, "Wait... what about Elisha and Chickenhound? They were in the pilot's cabin... which is ten feet under the sand. Chickenhound is slightly more important than Cluny or Badrang because he has that golden chain."

For those who forgot, the golden chain is part of a prophecy given by the great cheeto that

"I'll go get Chickenhound," Nightshade offered.

She climbed into the open plane. Cluny was lying unconscious in the cargo hold, but she decided he was man enough to save himself. Carfully crawling down the slope, she made it to the door of the pilot's cabin. It was stuck.

"Chickenhound?" She asked, "Are you there?"

"Chickenhound is unconscious," came Slagar's voice, "But I'm not."

Slagar and Nightshade's combined efforts got the door to open. Elisha, now awake, climbed out after the two foxes.

"UNICORNS!" Cluny suddenly yelled from behind the cargo hold door, "HELP! THEY'RE AFTER ME!"

"Ignore him," Cornflower said, "He'll come out eventually."

"NOOO! THEY'RE PINK! AND THEY'RE SPARKLY! AHHHHHHHH!" Cluny shrieked.

"The unicorns sparkle?" Elisha asked excitedly, "Then they're vampires!"

"THE VAMPIRE UNICORNS ARE AFTER ME!" Cluny screamed. They heard him pound against the door, trying to open it.

"It's unlocked, idiot," Lady Amber sighed.

"Oh," Cluny said, opening the door calmly, "I knew that. Ahem, where was I? Oh yeah. THE UNICORNS! THEY'RE COMING FOR ME!"

"I think he hit his head on something in the crash," Martin said.

"There was also that head wound from Jiminy Cricket," Matthias added.

"This story is breaking down his sanity... at least, the little amount he had to begin with," Cornflower said, "Which is probably going to happen to all of us if this goes on much longer."

Suddenly, there was a scream. Everybeast (except Cluny, because he heard lots of screaming in his own head when he tortured his voices) ran toward the direction of the sound. There, they saw Cynthia Bankvole rolling around on the sand. Mattimeo ran toward her, stopping her and getting her to her footpaws.

"What's wrong?" He asked her.

Cynthia, who had been bawling, looked up at Mattimeo. "I saw a spider," she told him.

Everybeast was silent.

"I thought we'd have to kill something," Matthias whined, sheathing his sword, "I haven't killed something in, like, forever. And I _really want_ to kill something." He glanced at Cynthia, then shook his head.

"Why did you just put my sword in your belt?" Martin turned to him.

"Here we go again," Matthias sighed.

Cornflower interrupted them. "How did you get here?" She asked Cynthia, "Did the author decide to be spontaneous again?"

"Well, kinda," Cynthia rubbed her eyes, "I was on a boat with a bunch of weirdos, and then a storm that lasted about five minutes crashed our ship on rocks, and I came here because there were too many crabs where we were shipwrecked. Crabs and spiders are gross."

"Where did you shipwreck?" Rose asked.

"Ewww, there's too many crabs there," Cynthia whined.

"We established that fact," Basil grunted, "But we need to know if there are new characters to worry about in this story."

"Yep," Cynthia said, "I don't remember who exactly was on the ship. Uhhh... there was this dude, who was a weasel, a ferret, or a stoat (I can't tell the difference). Oh, and this lady, who was either a mouse or a squirrel. And-"

"Okay that's not helping," Mattimeo interrupted, a bit impatient.

Cynthia pouted, but began to walk toward the direction they assumed the shipwreck was. Most of them were afraid they'd find some new characters they did not mix well with- and they probably were right.

The sand was rocky, and it seemed to stretch on forever. Finally they circled around a rocky cliff to see a large shipwreck. The ship itself was very big, but now lay broken on the unforgiving sand and rocks. Driftwood floated through the tide, and the ship looked as if it was hit by a bomb. The author is a bit violent that way.

"It was a freak storm," Cynthia finally said something after sulking for the whole hike, "It- EEEEEEEK! A CRAB!"

She jumped onto Swartt's (who was the closest creature) back. He wasn't expecting this, and collapsed under her added weight.

"I always wished I had a sweet baby girl," Bluefen sighed. She turned to Veil. "That's your fault," she informed him.

"You can't pick your gender," Veil said, a bit creeped out by the sudden accusation.

"Your right," Bluefen said, "It's your fault, Swartt. Your stupid genes made him a boy, instead of a sweet little girl. You ruined my life in so many ways!"

"Can we please get back on the topic of me?" Cynthia asked, "Anyway, I think they're camped out around here somewhere."

The group exchanged glances. New characters to be tortured by the author. They almost felt sorry for the new arrivals.

"Are there foxes?" Elisha asked, "I like foxes."

Slagar (or Chickenhound, whichever way you look at it) didn't seem to care about his wife having the potential to cheat on him. Being forced to marry a rabid fangirl did have its drawbacks.

"Yeah," Cynthia nodded.

As if on cue, a fox happened to walk by from the shadows of the cliff toward the broken ship. He was joined by a stoat, and then both of them kneeled down by the destroyed shipwreck.

The group of Redwallers were hidden behind a rather conveniently large rock and were not noticed.

"Guys," A voice called from inside the cave, "Stop mourning the stupid boat and get back inside the cave."

"You don't understand," the stoat snapped, "When you're a corsair, your ship is like your wife."

"Then you have a veeerrry lonely life," the voice commented.

The fox raised his hand. "I appear to have a fanbase," he said, "Does that count for anything?"

Suddenly, Nightshade jumped over the boulder. "DADDDYYY!" She screamed, and then ran up to hug the stranger fox. The fox, not expecting a strange vixen to appear out of nowhere and hug him (although this had happened before, but they never screamed "DADDY"), fell over backwards into the water.

"Sela!" she called, "Get over here! It's our father, Plugg Firetail!"

Sela didn't feel as inclined to run over and hug a fox she never met before that supposedly was her father.

"Do I know you?" Plugg asked, prying Nightshade off of him.

"I'm your daughter, silly," Nightshade told him.

"And why was I not aware of this?" Plugg asked, backing away.

"I never knew you could get a woman," the voice from inside the cliff (which was actually a cave) called out,

"Shut up, squirrel" he barked.

The stoat, who had taken off back into the cave when he saw Nightshade sprinting in their direction, poked his head out of the cave mouth. He made eye contact with Badrang and immediately the two felt a rivalry, without knowing why.

"Who are you?" The stoat demanded Badrang.

"Badrang the Tyrant," Badrang said, "You?"

"Vilu Daskar," The stoat said, "I don't have an title, but my name sounds more menacing than 'Badrang'. What does that even mean anyway?"

"Ignore him," the voice came again, "He's been really competitive lately. I think it's the new anger management medication we put him on."

"WHICH DOESN'T WORK AS WELL!" Vilu roared.

The voice, which turned out to be Triss, walked out of the cave.

"Hi," She said, "You guys probably want to know the story of why we're here, and who is _'us'_ exactly. Well, we somehow ended up on the ship, having absolutely no idea why. Vilu and Plugg argued over whose ship it was, so we ended up calling it the _GoreSeaLeechScab_. I would have preferred the _Triss_, but I didn't feel like starting stupid arguments.

Anyway, you probably want to know who the heck is here. Yeah, I feel like a mindreader. Actually, I am. The author gave me mind reading powers. I won't argue with that. WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID ABOUT MY FACE, RAVEN?"

She turned toward Ironbeak, who was backing away at the sudden outburst.

"Ahem," Triss continued, "Ignoring that comment. Well, come into the cave, were we're temporarily camping out."

The large group of Redwallers (minus Nightshade) followed her into the cave. Around a campfire, there were a bunch of Redwallers. To be exact, there were seventeen of them crowded into the small cave.

"Shut up, Kurda," Triss growled to the Pure Ferret, who was seated near the mouth of the cave, "I can read minds, you know. Did you just call me fat?"

"Calm down," A male squirrel said to Triss, "This mindreading thing is getting on my nerves."

Martin recognized the squirrel right away.

"Hi Felldoh," He said, "I haven't seen you for so long."

"Martin!" An otter bounded up, "It's me, Keyla!"

While the three were having some sort of reunion, the author decided to introduce some of the other characters one by one.

"Basil!" A second otter tackled Basil to the ground, "I missed you!"

"Um, hello Cheek," Basil said, trying to wrestle the young otter off of his stomach.

"Sorry, he got into our sugar supply," Triss sighed, "He's been hyper all day."

Cheek began to dance around in his excitement to see Basil.

"Let's just hope the author didn't take a liking to pushing otters out of planes," Matthias whispered to Cornflower.

Nightshade walked into the cave, finally releasing Plugg from her death grip. Then, she spotted two more foxes in the back of the cave.

"MOMMY!" She screamed, rushing up to hug Fortunata.

Before Fortunata could recover from the shock, Nightshade turned to the other fox.

"Hey ya, younger brother," she said to Groddil, and gave him a small punch on the arm.

"Do I know you?" Groddil and Fortunata asked at the same time.

"Nightshade, you're taking things too fast," Sela warned.

"Aren't you excited to meet your family?" Nightshade asked.

Sela was not so sure of the likelihood of this being her actual family.

"This is your grandson," Nightshade informed Fortunata, pulling Slagar over.

Groddil and Fortunata backed up against the cave wall.

Meanwhile, more new characters were showing up. Just as Vilu and Badrang felt a new rivalry, Swartt made eye contact with a weasel and immediately felt the same way they did. Of course, those menacing blue eyes made him look away.

"Haha, I always win staring contests," Ferahgo the Assassin said.

"Just you wait," Swartt warned, "I will win a staring contest against you one day!"

Klitch and Veil also met each other, but didn't exactly feel the need to kill each other. Soon, they were in an engaging conversation about their fathers.

"My dad employed a poisoner, which indirectly led to my death," Klitch said.

"Well, my dad directly killed me with a javelin," Veil sneered, "You can't beat that."

Klitch shrugged. "No, I can't."

In the back, Cluny (who had finally caught up to the group after yelling to himself for hours about cannibal carrots) was busy flirting with a lady weasel, because she was the closest he had seen to a lady rat.

"So..." He said, "You're a good knife thrower, eh?"

"Want me to demonstrate with one in your throat?" The weasel growled, her paw hovering over her knife's handle.

Cluny didn't get the hint. "I've always liked a good assassin," he said.

The weasel, who if you haven't realized by now is Tazzin, pointed in the direction of Ferahgo. "I think he's more in your league," She informed him.

Cluny shook his head. "Nah, he's a single father. The kid would probably get in the way."

Tazzin sighed, wanting to end this conversation. Just then, a ferret came up with a bow and aimed an arrow at Cluny.

"Take the hint," Tazzin growled.

Cluny shrugged and left. "You haven't seen the last of me," he warned.

"Thank you, Vallug," Tazzin sighed, "Don't you dare think about making a move on me."

Disappointed, Vallug quietly left her.

Outside on the beach, Cornflower noticed that there were actually characters here that was a new species here: Moles.

There were a pair of them, one male and one female. Cornflower ran over to them, happy to see somebeast other than a rat or a mouse.

"Hi guys," She said.

"Oi, iffen et 'twurr larfin' mouse marm. Oi'm Diggum," Said the first one.

"Hurr hurr, b'ain't noice t' oopsett yoreself, marm. We'm just moles, Oi'm Gurrbowl hurr hurr," the second one said.

"What did you just say to me?" Cornflower asked.

"Most authors are too lazy to do molespeech," the author told her, "I, on the other hand, like to overdo it so it's practically impossible to understand without spending ten minutes. Unless you took Molespeech 101 in abbey school, of course."

Nearby, Korvus and Ironbeak laid eyes on two beautiful she-birds who were resting in a palm tree, chatting and laughing. One was a raven, and the other a sparrow.

"Wow, look at those hotties," Ironbeak whispered.

"Yeah," Korvus agreed, "Let's go break the ice. I know a good pick-up line."

"Let's go," Ironbeak agreed. They flew up to the tree and perched beside the two.

Ironbeak waited for Korvus to deliver his "good pick-up line", but Korvus seemed to chicken out. Hehe, get it? Chicken... they're birds... I think I should lay off the cherry 7up. It seems to make me loopy.

"Hey," he said to the sparrow, "My name is General Ironbeak. I have an entire army at my command!"

The two lady birds snickered to each other. "Where are they?" The raven asked.

Mangiz walked out of the cave, then tripped on a pebble and did a faceplant.

"They're... on vacation," Ironbeak groaned, "See, I'm also nice to my troops."

"I'm Korvus Skurr, the great Doomwyte," Korvus boasted, "Ruler of the Ravenwytes, and king of the-"

"Warbeak recognize that ravenworm," The sparrow, obviously Warbeak, suddenly glared at Ironbeak, "You killee sparraloft. Now Warbeak killee you dead!"

She lunged herself at Ironbeak, who took off into the air. While Warbeak chased him around the island, Korvus decided to start talking to this lady raven.

"So... what's your name?" He asked.

"Korvusa," she answered.

"_Korvusa_?" Korvus asked.

"That'll get confusing," The author commented.

"What book are you from?" Korvus asked, "Sorry, but I don't recognize your name."

"I saw her name mentioned when I was reading Loamhedge," the author explained, "She was extremely minor, but when I saw the name I knew I had to do something with you and her."

Korvusa, now creeped out, flew away.

As night fell, the characters knew they would have to learn to survive on this stupid island. But that's a whole new chapter. And from here on out, this story will get increasingly randomer, don't you worry. Because we're in the middle of scenic nowhere (I'm on a road trip as I type this), I'm sure my sanity will drop down a few notches.


	3. Harold, Sheldon, and a Skydiving Beaver

"Okay, so, we're stranded on an island with a crazed fangirl and a bunch of characters that don't get along with no supplies or tools," Cornflower sighed, "Not my idea of a good vacation, you know."

The Redwall characters were all crowded into the small cave, their only shelter.

"Well," Tazzin said, "There's always a Plan B, a way out."

"And what would that be?" Grissoul asked.

"Cannibalism," Tazzin answered, "I vote we eat Cluny first."

"No!" Cluny objected, "Eat the moles! They have more meat on them!"

"Burr aye," Gurrbowl grunted, "We'm no goody taste. Eat yonder Gonff, 'e's a plump one."

"Are you calling me fat?" Gonff growled, "Why not eat Elisha?"

Because Elisha was too busy washing her fruit children, she didn't hear. Thus, nobody objected to the idea.

"No one is going to eat anybody!" Martin interrupted, "I watched Lost and various other shows that this scenario reminds me of. Also, I am the bomb at Sims 2: Castaway for wii. So, we'll need to find food, fresh water, and monkeys to train as butlers."

"I didn't know you had a wii," Rose said.

Martin shrugged, "Who doesn't?"

"None of us do," Matthias told him, "Nintendo doesn't exist in our universe."

"Will you guys all shut up?" Triss growled, "I know where we can find food. There's a big jungle on this island. I'm sure we can find fruit. And where there's plants, there's fresh water, right? So I think our best bet is go into the jungle, then meet back here."

"When'd you get so smart?" Kurda sneered.

Martin was pouting. He wanted to be the designated leader, but Triss was intruding.

"Sorry Martin," Triss said, reading his mind like the mind reader she is, "But the leader here should be… you know, smart."

"HAHA!" Badrang laughed, "You just got dissed by a squirrel."

Felldoh, Lady Amber, and Triss turned on him. "IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH SQUIRRELS?" They yelled simultaneously.

Martin proceeded to pout as Triss led them into the jungle.

"We should split into groups," Klitch suggested.

"Let the squirrel make the decisions," Ferahgo told him, "She's the smart one."

"No, that's a good idea," Triss agreed, "We should."

The senior characters of this fanfiction knew from experience that splitting into groups never led to anything good. However, they decided that there wouldn't be crazy Disney characters trying to kill them here.

"Can I make the groups?" Martin begged.

"Go ahead," Triss sighed, "I might as well throw the dog a bone."

"Uh, okay," Martin said, "Well, we should have a group for foraging, hunting, and finding fresh water. I'll lead the hunting party because I'm awesome and hardcore that way. Matthias, you come with me, because you have my sword with you."

"I don't have it," Matthias shook his head.

"Here," Triss shrugged, handing the Sword of Martin to, well, Martin, "I don't need it as much as you right now."

Martin scowled and took the sword.

"Er… okay, you still come, Matthias. We need warriors, and you're, well, you're the first main character in the series, so I guess you qualify. Rose, you too, I never let you out of my sight. Ferahgo and Tazzin, you both are good at throwing knives and various pointy things. Keyla, Felldoh, and Gonff, let's go for old time's sake. Vallug, you know how to use a bow, probably the best out of all of us, so you come too. And I hate to say it, but Cluny's tail is also a weapon. Oh, and Klitch, I'm sure you know your way around knives considering who your father is. I wouldn't let my kid grow up around sharp pointy things, but nobody said Ferahgo was a good parent."

"He's better than Swartt!" Veil yelled.

"Well, yeah," Martin agreed, "Anyway, Triss, you bug me, so you lead the boring expedition to find fresh water. Plugg, Vilu, Badrang, Elisha, Slagar, Tsarmina, Veil, Clogg, and Constance, go with her. Everyone else, you find fruit and stuff. We're sending a lot to do that 'cause it's so important."

"Happy now?" Triss asked.

"Actually, yes."

"Let's go," Triss called to her group, "We can't survive without fresh water. Let's go."

"We'll need weapons," Martin said to his group.

"Uh…" Cornflower said, "Let's find fruit. And pretty flowers."

* * *

We're going to follow Triss's group first. Follow as in read about, not follow as in stalk.

"This is gonna be fun!" Elisha exclaimed.

She got no reply. The group made their way through the vegetation, led by Triss.

"How do we know there's going to be drinkable water on this stupid island?" Veil groaned.

"Because there always is," the author hissed, "Now be quiet. You're getting to be like your father, which isn't a good thing. He always asks questions, as we made clear in the previous story."

"But how-" Veil started to ask, but then conveniently fell through a hole in the forest floor.

"That's what happens," Badrang told the ferret.

"HELP!" Veil yelled, "I think there's a river or something here! I CAN'T SWIM!"

"A river?" Plugg asked, "That will probably lead to some sort of lake…"

"I HAVE A FEAR OF UNDERGROUND WATER!" Tsarmina screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Veil screamed as he was swept away by the current.

"I'm really tired of him being lost in water," Elisha sighed, remembering the Pirates of the Caribbean incident.

"I'll get him," Triss offered.

Before she could, a giant leopard jumped out of a nearby bush. It crouched, growling. In panic, Vilu Daskar and Plugg Firetail jumped into the underground river. The rest of them stood there, paralyzed.

"Don't... move…" Triss hissed.

"If Hector was here, he'd be going nuts," Elisha said, thinking of her cat-loving friend from Disneyland.

"Well?" Constance said to Tsarmina, "Aren't you gonna do something?"

"Me?" Tsarmina glared, "Why should I do something?"

"You're a cat," Constance answered, "And you _will _communicate with the leopard. Right now."

The leopard was getting tired of their chattering. It pounced onto Slagar, knocking him over. Big mistake.

"GET OFFA MY MAN, SISTER!" Elisha yelled, assuming that this leopard was a female who wanted to get Slagar for herself. She tackled the leopard and wrestled it to the ground, then grabbed a hanging vine and tied it to a tree.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO GET MY HUBBY!" Elisha growled.

Slagar and the rest of the group were backed against a tree, now afraid of the psycho fangirl, not the leopard.

"Okay, we're gonna pretend that didn't happen," Triss shook her head.

* * *

Meanwhile, Martin's group was having some difficulty. They only had a few weapons to work with. Martin had his sword, Ferahgo had his two precious knives (the killing and skinning knife, he lost the normal throwing knives on the boat), and that was basically it. Tazzin lost her knives, Felldoh, Keyla, Gonff, and Rose didn't exactly have weapons to begin with, Cluny was insane (well, more than usual), Matthias didn't have his sword because Martin had it, Vallug had a bow but no more arrows (Constance took his last one to use as a toothpick), and Klitch was never quite sure why he was there in the first place.

"We can make stuff," Keyla suggested, "We do have those two knives to work with."

"NOBODY TOUCHES MY KNIVES," Ferahgo hissed.

"He's really protective of them," Klitch sighed.

"Well then," Matthias said, "Can we use my sword to do something?"

"MY sword," Martin corrected.

"I inherited it fair and square," Matthias growled.

"So did every other main character in the series," Martin sighed, "If they all gathered together, then they'd all kill each other for it."

Suddenly, every character in the series who used Martin's sword appeared out of nowhere.

"Wha…?" Samkim looked around.

"Where are we?" Arven asked.

"I have no idea…" Dandin answered.

"Why is Dethbrush here?" Ferahgo asked, "He had the sword for, like, three seconds."

"Longer than that!" Dethrush argued.

Okay, maybe they wouldn't have killed each other like Martin said, they'd more likely be confused. Let's pretend that never happened and get back to the story.

"Well that was weird," Felldoh sighed.

"Can we just get to hunting?" Tazzin asked, "Ferahgo, could I borrow one of those knives?"

Ferahgo only stared at her. He clutched the knives protectively, a low growl forming in his throat.

"He loves those knives more than he would love his own child," Martin sighed, then glanced at Klitch. "Sorry…"

Klitch shrugged, "No news to me. Anyway, we have to gather some food. I'm sure there's deer or something we could hunt."

Vallug, who had been silent this whole time, suddenly grabbed Martins sword. He began carving a stick, and before long made his arrow shaft.

"Okay, you make arrows," Matthias said, feeling a little awkward because Vallug was totally silent, "And we will, uh, go make javelins or something."

Ferahgo was finally coaxed into giving up one of his knives. The group made javelins and various other sharp things to hunt with. During this time, Cluny was lying on a rock, apparently having a conversation with his imaginary friends George Clooney and a magical flying beaver.

"Yes, Georgey, I do enjoy skydiving underwater, maybe we should do it later," Cluny said. He turned to his left. "No, I don't think you'd like it, Justin. I don't think it's legal to take beavers skydiving in Slovakia."

Soon, the group had weapons. Before they could go out to hunt, the author changed to the third group.

* * *

"There's a lot of us because the author was too lazy to name everyone, so everybody unnamed was stuck here," Cornflower sighed, "Well, let's gather plants. Sela, Nightshade and Fortunata, vixens are good at finding medicine and stuff. And no poison, Fortunata. The birds can go up into the trees and gather fruit, and the rest of us just find edible stuff on the ground level."

It was a reasonable plan. The only argument would have come from Verdauga if he was there, because of the whole Fortunata and poison issue. However, he is not in this story, so let's continue.

The three vixens went in one direction, the birds flew up to the tree tops, and the rest just formed a mob and went in another direction.

"I don't really know anything about medicine," Nightshade admitted.

"Well you should, you're a vixen," Sela told her.

"Maybe I can collect nightshade. It's the only plant I recognize, which is why I'm named that," Nightshade said.

"That's poisonous!" Fortunata exclaimed.

"That's never stopped _you_ before," Nightshade said coldly.

"At least I can identify more than one plant!" Fortunata shot back.

"At least I wasn't a traitor to my king!"

"At least I didn't get my head pounded in by a badger!"

"At least I didn't get ambushed by squirrels!"

"At least I didn't…uh…" Nightshade faltered.

"Stop arguing!" Sela yelled, "You'll attract every predator in the jungle!"

As if by cue, they heard growling. Suddenly, a very strange creature charged out. It was a giant pig, about twice the size of a horse. At it seemed carnivorous.

"What _is_ that?" Fortunata screamed.

"One of Mary-Sue's bodyguards," the author said.

"Yes, but what animal IS THAT?" Nightshade was freaking out.

"Oh, it's a giant carnivorous pig that used to be extinct, but Mary-Sue used her epic powers of sue-ness to bring it back," the author explained, "And before you asked why I decided on it, I'll tell you that it wasn't me who wanted to put the pig in this story: it was the random button."

The three vixens were silent. The pig was just standing there. Because the term "pig" will make you think of a cute little farm animal, which this beast is not, then we'll make a new name for it. How about Harold? Sure. Harold works.

Harold charged toward them, but the three foxes dived out of the way. Panicking, Nightshade began to climb up a tree.

"Pigs can't climb trees!" She exclaimed.

"No, but they can tear them down when they're a ten foot tall monster," Sela yelled.

Harold wasn't thinking of that, but now Sela mentioned it, it seemed like a good idea. He took the trunk in his mouth and ripped it out of the ground. Nightshade screamed and jumped off, landing on top of Fortunata.

"Run!" She screamed.

They did just that. Harold may have been fast and strong, but it was too big to dodge the vegetation. It was soon wrapped in vines, letting the three foxes escape.

"Well, that was eventful," Fortunata sighed.

* * *

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Veil screamed as he was swept away by the underground river. It was too dark to see anything at all. Soon he saw daylight again, but that was short-lived because a second later he plunged out of the side of a cliff and down a waterfall into a lake below. He swam to the surface and took grateful breaths. Then he was knocked into the water again by a falling stoat. When he broke the surface again, he was knocked right back in by a falling fox.

Eventually the three made it to shore. However, this lake was surrounded by steep cliffs. They saw no way to climb the smooth rock. The lake seemed to be in a deep valley, with no way in or out.

"Well, we found fresh water," Vilu Daskar sighed.

"We have to get back to that beach," Veil declared, "I remember a golden rule in this series: if you get separated, you either die or something really bad happens to you. Redtooth died, and a lot of characters got kidnapped. I don't want that to happen."

"Well," Plugg said, "How do you propose to do that?"

Veil was silent. He looked around the lake valley. Nothing at all seemed to penetrate the steep, slippery cliffsides.

"Can't you just give us a jetpack or something?" Vilu asked the author.

"No, that would be too random," the author declared.

"And a bunch of Redwall characters almost getting killed by Disney characters and then crashing onto a really weird island isn't?" Veil asked, "Remember Frank the depressed yeti? I mean, that just wasn't normal."

"How can I not?" The author said, "When I went to Disneyland recently, my friend screamed 'FRANK' in my ear when we went on the Matterhorn. True story."

"Errr…" Plugg said, "You mean, you have a life outside of this story?"

"Why do you think it takes me so long to update?" The author asked, "Now, let's stop talking about me and get back to this story."

* * *

"It's a little pig," Martin said, "If we herd it back, we can wait for it to fatten up and then eat it."

His small hunting party was now ready for business. This little pig was the first jungle animal they saw.

"That's not very nice," Rose said, "Why not just take it out of its misery?"

"Whatever," Felldoh said, then tackled the pig. He tied it up with a rope he found (aka someone's shoelaces) and picked it up.

"We'll make a pen for it," Keyla offered. He and Felldoh walked back to the cave.

"Let's get fresh meat. I don't know if the others were successful," Matthias said, "There might be leopards and giant pigs and underground rivers which would have hindered them."

They continued into the forest. This island was full of strange creatures. Monkeys with wings, caterpillars that were the size of an average baseball bat, and savage mice that didn't talk or wear clothes. That's just wrong.

* * *

"So then, I said to my dad," Murig said, in the middle of a tale, "'I want to start dating', and he said 'How will you meet a girl'? So I said-"

"SKIP TO THE LAST SENTENCE!" Tarul yelled.

"It turns out that the chicken was really my mom in a costume," Murig concluded.

None of the birds knew how to reply to that.

"As much as I, er, love your stories," Mangiz said, "We have work to do."

As they collected fruit, the birds suddenly heard a noise. A giant bee, about the size of a small airplane, suddenly buzzed by.

"I HATE BEES!" Ironbeak screamed, "THEY SCARE ME!"

The birds dove back into the jungle, soon losing sight of the bee. However, the bee managed to sting Frang on the wing. But it didn't follow them through the trees. Chicken.

"AHHHH! THAT STINGS!" Frang screeched, stating the obvious. The other two doomwytes helped him back to the camp. Ironbeak, Korvus, and Mangiz offered no help. At the cave, they piled their sacks of fruit up by the entrance. Murig and Tarul were trying to help Frang's wing, but Frang was making it rather difficult. And by difficult, I mean impossible, considering that he was jumping around shouting out revenge.

"HE GOT MY WING!" Frang growled, "HE WILL PAY! I WILL GET YOU... UH... UH... SHELDON! YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY! VICTORY WILL BE MINEEEE!"

Then he passed out, allowing Murig and Tarul to prevent his wing from falling off.

"Well then, he just swore revenge on a bee," Korvus sighed, "Great. We'll never hear the end of this."

* * *

Surprisingly, Cornflower's group managed to make it back to the cave with no problems. Maybe the author is just getting lazy. Anyway, all of the groups (except for Veil, Vilu, and Plugg) managed to make their way back to the cave. Martin's group scored a weird parrot that had a beak shaped like a trumpet and a flying monkey (sorry, Wizard of Oz fans). Cornflower's foraging group got large sacks of probably edible fruit. The three vixens had gathered a few herbs, but not any that would do anything good. Mainly they just smelled nice. Triss managed to get some canteens of water from the shipwreck, but they still needed a supply of fresh water. Keyla and Felldoh made a pen for the pig. When the three vixens got back and saw the pig, Nightshade began to hyperventilate. And Cluny was almost arrested for taking a beaver skydiving in Slovakia. Don't ask. They began to eat their dinner of monkey and fruit.

"WHERE IS VEIL?" Bluefen sobbed.

"Probably dead," Swartt shrugged, then chomped into a weird, blue fruit with purple swirls that tasted a lot like a tootsie roll.

"Hey guys," Elisha said as she walked in, "Are waves supposed to be as tall as the cliff we're in?"

_ And so with that this chapter draws to a close. Whoooo cliffhanger: hangin' on a cliff. Sorry for that weird outburst. Blame the fact that I've been stuck in a car for the past six hours as I am writing this. Anyway, that's all I have time for during this roadtrip. Chapter four will be up once I get around to it. The week after this roadtrip is over will be slightly busy, but I'm sure you'll survive with three whole chapters. Until then, peace out._


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